Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and

Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and


    Kindle Welcome to the Kindle ereader store that they are loved only when they please us or impress us Kohn cites a Parenting: Moving from MOBI ó body of powerful, and largely unknown, research detailing the damage caused by leading children to believe they must earn our approval That s precisely the message children derive from common discipline techniques, even though it s not the message most parents intend to send More than just another book about discipline, though, Unconditional Parenting addresses the ways parents think about, feel about, and act with their children It invites them to question their most basic assumptions about raising kids while offering a wealth of practical strategies for shifting from doing to to working with parenting including how to replace praise with the unconditional support that children need to grow into healthy, caring, responsible people This is an eye opening, paradigm shattering book that will reconnect readers to their own best instincts and inspire them to become better parents."/>
  • Paperback
  • 272 pages
  • Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason
  • Alfie Kohn
  • English
  • 07 November 2019
  • 0743487486

10 thoughts on “Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason

  1. Christine Cavalier Christine Cavalier says:

    Wow.And not in a good way.Before I give youdetails on my review, let me give you some of my background.I have a 6 year old son and a 12 year old daughter I also have a BS in Psych and a Masters in Ed Psych I study behavior and psychology as a hobby as well as use it in my freelance writing career I read pop psych books like others devour romance novels or baseball statistics check out my Social Media reading list or my behavioral economics list for my favorite books in these areas.To Wow.And not in a good way.Before I give youdetails on my review, let me give you some of my background.I have a 6 year old son and a 12 year old daughter I also have a BS in Psych and a Masters in Ed Psych I study behavior and psychology as a hobby as well as use it in my freelance writing career I read pop psych books like others devour romance novels or baseball statistics check out my Social Media reading list or my behavioral economics list for my favorite books in these areas.To top this all off, I breast fed my babies until they were both over two years of age I m a middle of the road Democrat I m married to a PhD in Philosophy This book seems like it was custom written for the white suburban college educated mommy that I am.Except it isn t I m not sure I know for whom this book was written, because it doesn t present any solid information in a way that is applicable or helpful Kohn has made a career rallying against behaviorism Behaviorism, as a theory, works very well It is fully supported by years of research Yes, most academics would agree that a purely behavioral approach to any endeavor lacks long term effectiveness in humans That s where the Cognition theories come in to pick up the slack These two theories of human behavior and motivation, used in conjunction, have been proven worthy repeatedly in helping people learn, grow, and lead better lives Kohn rejects the Behaviorism outright and focuses solely on the Cognition Just as a purely behavioral approach reduces humans to unconscious animals, a purely cognitive approach elevates humans to an impossible, advanced aliens from outer space level Alone, neither theory works all that well across the board.Along with Kohn s pedantic writing style is a disturbing lack of cited research to back up his wide statements about the effects of certain parenting solutions This is a deal breaker for any parenting book You just can t take parenting psychology seriously without copious amounts of cited research In fact, you should be very suspicious of such a book.That being said, let s take a look at the not new theories Kohn presents While I accept some of Kohn s premises respect children s ability to make decisions, expect age appropriate, ability appropriate behavior , I disagree with his disregard of parents emotions and feelings Kohn expects the parent to be ever self sacrificing, ever searching for pure motivations behind their children s behavior.Children can be immoral, selfish, violent, abusing, manipulative horrible little animals, just like any other humans Yes, the Ideal Parenting Rulebook dictates that parents should love their childrenthan themselves,than anyone or anything else on the planet I get it But I am not a mere object in my child s growth I am a functioning human being with needs, goals, objectives, and emotions that are oftentimes in conflict with my children s And guess what If there are some important battles on the line, or even if I m flat out of patience, I win the battle Why Because I know better what is the greater good for the family and I also know that if I don t preserve my own sanity, we will all fail.Police culture has a great phrase for this Raise your children, or we will In other words, if you neglect your duties as a parent, the state authorities will pick up the slack when your child fails Our job as a parents, as the police see it, is very basic raise children who are capable of taking care of themselves and perhaps others and their society I m not sure Kohn would agree with this view.To be fair, I already practice a lot of what Kohn promotes I am well schooled in human ability, brain development, etc., and that schooling allows me to reason appropriately at different stages with my kids Indeed, reasoning with kids becomeseffective as they very slowly gainability to reason.Kohn thinks kids haveability to reason at earlier stages than I do He is also willing to suppress or downplay his own needs in order to accommodate his child wayfrequently than I am willing to do so Raising your children to expect accommodations that only a deeply devoted, self denying parent would give is perhaps a disservice to the child Plus I posit that such neglect to one s own feelings will eventually promote distrust on the child s part and resentment on the parent s part.Instead, I let my children observe my annoyance when they misbehave I m a human, I am allowed to be annoyed at such things I have never once hit my children, but I have used love withdrawals because being excluded is the natural consequence of breaking social norms, fair or not I don t think a time out here and there is going to shake my children s belief that I love them On the contrary, my willingness to deliver a reality check will eventually be seen as an act of love in itself, if it isn t seen that way already I ve seen kids in homes where they can sense that the lack of consequences translates into something akin to apathy, and the effects are devastating.Kohn would argue that he does in fact place restrictions on his children s behavior He would say that he just puts off those restrictions until absolutely, utterly, no choice necessary His main points are not about behavior control, though If he had you in the elevator and could impart some wisdom on you, he d say Don t underestimate your children s ability to regulate themselves, reason, and make good decisions Give them the space to do that Don t let your upbringing dictate how you raise your own kids This, of course, is good advice Even though Kohn lacks research to back up his claims, he makes many solid points in the book that may be eye opening to the everyday parent Unfortunately, along with the lack of citations, there s a dearth of practical steps and practices for implementation of his attachment parenting theories He throws in a few question worksheets at the end of the book but they are too little, too late.By leaving out these practical tips, Kohn abandons those of us in the trenches As a mother of young children, I find life very unpleasant when I m around terribly misbehaving kids As much as I try to remain empathetic to the parents, I begin to hate this unconditional love read inability to set boundaries on behavior approach Most of the time, in my observation, the parents aren t confident enough to demonstrate some leadership qualities and are terrified their children will hate them as much as they hate their own parents.So I m supposed to not want to strangle the kindergartner who is taking my child s food, peeing under the picnic table during lunch, screaming for his own way and generally making life miserable for everyone within a 5 mile radius I m supposed to keep arranging playdates with this mother who admits she has no control over her children Sorry, Kohn A little behaviorism would solve a lot of issues here A good habit introduced into that kid s repertoire would make the world a nicer place.Yes, I feel for a poor tired kid who has to trudge through the grocery store with their mother But life is tough Learning how to mitigate the grocery aisles when you re miserable is training for mitigating the freeways and the rat race Throwing a tantrum in the cereal aisle earns you no favors in life and deserves a negative response, just like road rage is unacceptable and deserves jail time To avoid going to the grocery store when it is necessary, or to rearrange my entire life so as to keep children comfortable especially when it is beyond reasonable , is doing children a disservice We are not living in the utopia that Kohn imagines We are not all Upper East Siders who can choose a school for our children that matches our unconditional parenting style We are not all white, educated Northerners whose culture allows for this privileged, time heavy, money sucking parenting approach We are not the privileged upper class where physical goods are never to be made paramount over even a second s worth of children s lives The fact is, for most parents, a small moment of misbehavior from a child can severely impact our quality of life Many of us can t afford new televisions if our child thinks it s a good idea to throw the lamp at it We have to place reason aside for a second or two until that child realizes such destruction won t be tolerated Many of us don t have the energy to explain to a child about how that television keeps the peace in our marriage, is our only connection to the outside world, or is the only form of entertainment we can afford Many children wouldn t understand the impact of that lamp, figuratively or literally, soactive behavior modification parenting techniques are frequently necessary in our world We are not living in unconditional environs To be honest, I ll always love my children in some way, but if they turn into psycho or socio paths I would find it a bit difficult to remain supportive of them Their behavior has consequences It s my job to gently deliver a little taste of what the outside world has in store for them I don t beat them because in life, that s illegal Adults can t hit other adults It s against the law I don t beat them, also, because I am privileged enough to have learned the lack of effectiveness of corporal punishment in the long run as opposed to otherhumane methods I react with hurt when my children insult me, because that is how I feel and that is how other people would react I don t hide my annoyance when they refuse to stop repeating a phrase over and over, causing my brain to burn in my skull, because that kind of behavior will get them fired from whatever job or friendship or endeavor they take on at any stage of their lives.I listen to them when they give reasons of why they didn t hand in their homework, but I make it clear that I expect their behavior to change anyway I don t listen to their excuses when the missing homework behavior continues I don t listen to explanations when they are really just justifications see Dan Ariely s work about the false attributions people consistently give for their own motivations behaviors in my behavioral economics reading list Results matter Intent doesn t always matter This is life To shield children from this basic cognitive behavioral reality is to warp their perspective and set them up for real world disappointments I agree with Kohn on many levels This book is worth skimming through your local library s copy if you are not a Psychology person and are looking for some different perspectives on parenting But at the end of the day, just like always, do your best with what you ve got Try something new And don t let fear or habit dictate your parenting Christine Cavalier


  2. Jeanine70 Jeanine70 says:

    I didn t want to like this book.What is it about gentle parenting types that makes them so obnoxious Why does the phrase unconditional parenting make me want to hurl Why do lactivists make me want to offer their children Dr Pepper in a baby bottle But really I love baby slings And nursing Why do I want to run screaming when I meet up with some ardent proponents of things Ior less agree with I think it s the strident mommier than thou tone of a lot of attachment gentle natural I didn t want to like this book.What is it about gentle parenting types that makes them so obnoxious Why does the phrase unconditional parenting make me want to hurl Why do lactivists make me want to offer their children Dr Pepper in a baby bottle But really I love baby slings And nursing Why do I want to run screaming when I meet up with some ardent proponents of things Ior less agree with I think it s the strident mommier than thou tone of a lot of attachment gentle natural parenting literature out there For some reason, a discussion of their views always seems to be preceded with a strident denouncement of what everyone else is doing so very wrong.And this book is no exception While I m still finishing up skimming mostly , I can see that the majority of this book seems to be pointing out flaws with other philosophies of parenting Alfie Kohn knows what everyone else is doing to warp their kids Other parenting experts, pediatricians, teachers, and a variety of other parents Alfie has observed are just doing it wrong wrong wrong.His primary target is the punishment reward continuum so much of contemporary parenting advice is based on Alfie feels that this destroys trust, short circuits reasoning and moral development, and forces children to rely on extrinsic motivations to treat others well, rather than intrinsic ones He is especially harsh on using timeouts as a discipline technique referring to them as love withdrawals Oh my goodness.His argument is made too stridently for me, his method of citing scientific studies is shoddy, and I hate the way he picks on parents that have had the misfortune to encounter him on one of their worse days with their children.That all being said, I think I agree with him The punishment reward behavior modification methods popularized by SuperNanny and such always seemed kind of icky to me While I m not sure I share his conclusions that they are tremendously damaging love withdrawals , I am pretty sure that they don t work At least not in my house.I appreciate being let off the hook for not following through on naughty mats, timeouts, sticker charts, or any of that stuff It was a pain to do and just did not work for us While I wish Alfie spent a littletime on what does work, I agree with his assertion simple carrot stick methods are not what is needed for the most effective parenting


  3. Amy Amy says:

    This book changed my life It completely restructured my parenting paradigm, and I am now feel passionate about this message.Our culture has borne a generation of praise junkies children whose behavior is motivated not by intrinsic goals, but by rewards or the avoidance of punishment True, Classical Conditioning is a proven method for behavior modificationbut do we really want to treat our children like Pavlov s dogs In this book, Kohn discusses the perils of praise, and uses both common This book changed my life It completely restructured my parenting paradigm, and I am now feel passionate about this message.Our culture has borne a generation of praise junkies children whose behavior is motivated not by intrinsic goals, but by rewards or the avoidance of punishment True, Classical Conditioning is a proven method for behavior modificationbut do we really want to treat our children like Pavlov s dogs In this book, Kohn discusses the perils of praise, and uses both common sense and scientific research to back up his theory His arguments speak to the heart of all parents, and explain that respecting your children as human beings goes a long way in cultivating the harmonious, joyful, and trusting relationship that we all seek to have with our children Using praise and punishment, on the other hand, leaves children feeling manipulated and fearful Yes, but, I want my child to have self confidence Of course all parents want to help their children become happy, well adjusted adults, and many parents may wonder Without praise, what do we do with our children Kohn explains that simple acknowledgment is what really fuels a child s sense of self worth, and that merely giving a child your undivided attention is worththan 1000 good jobs If you are a parent, this may be the most important book you read Don t be afraid to open your mind to something revolutionary


  4. Sonya Feher Sonya Feher says:

    The concept of unconditional parenting appeals to me, the idea that we love our kids unconditionally whether they behave, throw a tantrum, do or don t do well in school Kohn debunks many popular discipline strategies including time outs, positive reinforcement and praise, reward systems, and punishment Instead he offers thirteen parenting techniques that help parents to honor their kids and to treat them as if they like them rather than are in charge of them He also challenges parents to c The concept of unconditional parenting appeals to me, the idea that we love our kids unconditionally whether they behave, throw a tantrum, do or don t do well in school Kohn debunks many popular discipline strategies including time outs, positive reinforcement and praise, reward systems, and punishment Instead he offers thirteen parenting techniques that help parents to honor their kids and to treat them as if they like them rather than are in charge of them He also challenges parents to consider how they would feel if they were receiving the treatment they re giving their kids Are we helping our children feel loved and accepted even when their behavior is not acceptable He warns against the unspoken message, We love you honey we just hate almost everything you do 143 and offers strategies for dealing with problematic behavior.I liked the ideas in this book, though I felt like Kohn kept repeating himself to try to drill home people s understanding of why to do it I d bought in pretty early on so I was ready for application advice way before he gave it One of the things I appreciated most about this book was Kohn s insistence on seeing a child as a whole person with needs of his or her own, needs that are not or should not be secondary just because of being a child Unconditional Parenting offers many logical and loving parenting and discipline strategies to help meet a whole family s needs It just took awhile to get there.If you want my Cliff s notes version, read the chapters and pages I found most helpful Giving and Withholding Love 24 42 From Punitive Damages 64 73 Pushed to Succeed 74 77 Principles of Unconditional Parenting 119 139 Love Without Strings Attached 143 162 The Child s Perspective 191 211


  5. Taylor Taylor says:

    I have to give this book a wholehearted recommendation It took me about a week to read it and caused what I can say was my first real I m not the awesome parent I thought I was crisis Which was so good for me What if everything that you take for grated about parenting time outs, stickers for toilet training, praise and accolades might actually be hurting your relationship with your child, or even your child him herself Alfie Kohn says that these traditional punishment and reward systems I have to give this book a wholehearted recommendation It took me about a week to read it and caused what I can say was my first real I m not the awesome parent I thought I was crisis Which was so good for me What if everything that you take for grated about parenting time outs, stickers for toilet training, praise and accolades might actually be hurting your relationship with your child, or even your child him herself Alfie Kohn says that these traditional punishment and reward systems are extremely damaging to children s development and psyches And he cites a huge body of research telling you why And then he explains some alternatives I consider myself a very competent parent and child care provider afterall, I ve been doing the latter for some 15 years , and this book blew many of my habits and theories out of the water It gave me lots to think about It inspires me to try harder and harder everyday to be a better parent It moved me so much that I bought my own copy


  6. Natalieb Natalieb says:

    I went through a period of time where I read a million and one parenting books This one came highly recommended from a good friend and cousin I found that it lacked practicality and weighed heavily on scare tactics ie you re going to permanently damage and ruin your child if you do X, Y, Z, but then never gave examples of what you should do in these situations And I had a hard time with the fact that it claimed you can only love your child unconditionally if you fit their mold On the I went through a period of time where I read a million and one parenting books This one came highly recommended from a good friend and cousin I found that it lacked practicality and weighed heavily on scare tactics ie you re going to permanently damage and ruin your child if you do X, Y, Z, but then never gave examples of what you should do in these situations And I had a hard time with the fact that it claimed you can only love your child unconditionally if you fit their mold On the flip side, I ve never liked rewards and punishment methods of parenting teaching because I want my children to want to be good for being good sake, and not because they want a sticker or don t want to have to flip their card to gasp red In short, too many holes, not enough answers


  7. Rachael Lauritzen Rachael Lauritzen says:

    This was an amazing book The thing I liked most was that it really helped you to think through parenting assumptions, many of them handed to you by pop culture, and whether the conclusions of that thinking through are what you as a parent actually want for your kids It was almost iconoclastic in its stance towards many popular parenting techniques, which isn t always a good thing, but the author s logic, conclusions, and recommendations all backed up by research are rather persuasive.I will This was an amazing book The thing I liked most was that it really helped you to think through parenting assumptions, many of them handed to you by pop culture, and whether the conclusions of that thinking through are what you as a parent actually want for your kids It was almost iconoclastic in its stance towards many popular parenting techniques, which isn t always a good thing, but the author s logic, conclusions, and recommendations all backed up by research are rather persuasive.I will say that I felt a little skeptical, even defensive, when I first started reading Alfie Kohn though my initial reaction was in his book Punished by Rewards, which has a scope greater than parenting but I kept reading and I m very glad I did I recommend this book to any parent, even if you decide you don t agree with it The mental exercise of shaking the dust out of your assumptions or other people s or other parenting books assumptions will make you a better parent, just by becoming self aware, learning to see the child s perspective, and learning to think your actions through.update 3 4 13 Just finished re reading and it was well worth the effort It really helps to refesh and remind yourself of the things in the book, especially the last few chapters Love


  8. Stefanie Stefanie says:

    As both a parent and a teacher, I think this is one of the most important books I will read I think I will return to it again and again to remind myself to keep the ultimate goals for my child and for my relationship with my child in mind Kohn turns conventional wisdom about discipline on its head He asserts that a working with approach, rather than thetraditional doing to approach,effectively reaches the goal of a sensitive, caring and independent child His questioning As both a parent and a teacher, I think this is one of the most important books I will read I think I will return to it again and again to remind myself to keep the ultimate goals for my child and for my relationship with my child in mind Kohn turns conventional wisdom about discipline on its head He asserts that a working with approach, rather than thetraditional doing to approach,effectively reaches the goal of a sensitive, caring and independent child His questioning of the very popular practices of overzealous praise and time outs were probably most useful to me, as they gave me pause about things I would likely do simply because I am surrounded by that mentality Kohn is not idealistic he humorously includes stories of raising his own two children and reminds us that the most important things a parent can convey are a sense of kindness, respect and caring attention


  9. Eric Eric says:

    Eric s Lessons 1 Reconsider your requests is what I m asking for worth the trouble 2 Put the relationship with your child first3 Respect your child, don t demean them Just ignore him when he gets like that 4 Be authentic, apologize5 Talk less, ask your childquestions6 Attribute to children the best possible motive consistent with the facts 7 Say Yes whenever possible instead of No8 Be flexible9 Don t be in a hurry when we are rushing or in public we tend to becontrollin Eric s Lessons 1 Reconsider your requests is what I m asking for worth the trouble 2 Put the relationship with your child first3 Respect your child, don t demean them Just ignore him when he gets like that 4 Be authentic, apologize5 Talk less, ask your childquestions6 Attribute to children the best possible motive consistent with the facts 7 Say Yes whenever possible instead of No8 Be flexible9 Don t be in a hurry when we are rushing or in public we tend to becontrolling and coercive 10 Ask yourself, if the comment I just made had been made to me would I feel unconditionally loved Limit criticismsMake criticism specific to situation, not imply something wrong with kidLimit intensity of criticismLook for alternatives to criticismTommy looked sad that you said that to himWhen your feeling frustrated, what can we do instead of pushing 11 Instead of good job Say nothing, just pay attentionDescribing, rather than evaluatingExplain the effects the child s action on other peopleInviting reflectionAsking rather than judging Its when children fall short and feel incompetent that they most need our love not our disappointment Allow your child to make many choices often, even some important ones12 How to raise moral kid Care about themShow them how a moral person livesTalk with them reason and love13 Remember to see things from the child s perspective


  10. David David says:

    Reading this book requires patience to get past the first six chapters without screaming, Okay, I get it I know what not to do What do I do It s brutal But I understand that Kohn feels he needs to convince his readers of the evidence against rewards and punishments for children His case seems strong to a layman like me, though I can imagine a lot of convincing is needed for many parents or parents to be The point was fully belabored.Once we do get to the advice portions of the book, it s Reading this book requires patience to get past the first six chapters without screaming, Okay, I get it I know what not to do What do I do It s brutal But I understand that Kohn feels he needs to convince his readers of the evidence against rewards and punishments for children His case seems strong to a layman like me, though I can imagine a lot of convincing is needed for many parents or parents to be The point was fully belabored.Once we do get to the advice portions of the book, it s vague Kohn pretty much tells us that he s being vague because he doesn t want parents to be following formulas to raise their children He has a good point there s clearly no one size fits all solution for parenting But would it have killed him to include a few examples now and then This is not a reference book It s about the philosophy of parenting It s about examining every interaction you have with your child with this question in mind am I showing my kid that I love them right now Quite frankly, I think it s a tough book to fully internalize Kohn does explain what he wants parents to do, but it s a deductive puzzle his rules are broad and general while your exact circumstances are specific.Despite that, I read this very slowly in short snippets over a long span of time and I thought about it and mulled it over and talked about it with my wife So I think I ve come to something that resembles a pair of actual rules a parent could reasonably follow 1 If your kid does something bad, try to explain why it was bad and invoke empathy as much as possible have their actions affected someone else, perhaps Most importantly, make it clear that you still love them anyway.2 Your kid does something good, it s okay to encourage it, but somehow and this is the hard part make it clear that your love is in no way due to the thing they just did.But really, if you think about it, these two rules can be distilled into just one 1 Show them unconditional love make it absolutely crystal clear to your kid that you love them no matter what they do Easier said than done It takes vigilance and practice and most of us will probably never get even close to as good at it as we d like But as Kohn explains and I m paraphrasing big time , just the fact that you re trying means you re doing the right thing.My personal suggestion start by smiling every time you see your child.Tags unconditionality, things not to do, things not to say, studies, parenting, children, monk like calm, patience, willpower, love


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Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason★ [PDF / Epub] ☄ Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason By Alfie Kohn ✪ – Centrumpowypadkowe.co.uk Most parenting guides begin with the question How can we get kids to do what they re told and then proceed to offer various techniques for controlling them In this truly groundbreaking book, nationall Most parenting guides Moving from PDF/EPUB ¼ begin with the question How can we get kids to do what they re told and then proceed to offer various techniques for controlling them In this truly groundbreaking book, nationally respected educator Alfie Kohn begins instead by asking What do kids need and how can we meet those needs What follows from that question are ideas for working with children rather than doing things Unconditional Parenting: ePUB Ò to them One basic need all children have, Kohn argues, is to be loved unconditionally, to know that they will be accepted even if they screw up or fall short Yet conventional approaches to parenting such as punishments including time outs , rewards including positive reinforcement , and other forms of control teach children that they are loved only when they please us or impress us Kohn cites a Parenting: Moving from MOBI ó body of powerful, and largely unknown, research detailing the damage caused by leading children to believe they must earn our approval That s precisely the message children derive from common discipline techniques, even though it s not the message most parents intend to send More than just another book about discipline, though, Unconditional Parenting addresses the ways parents think about, feel about, and act with their children It invites them to question their most basic assumptions about raising kids while offering a wealth of practical strategies for shifting from doing to to working with parenting including how to replace praise with the unconditional support that children need to grow into healthy, caring, responsible people This is an eye opening, paradigm shattering book that will reconnect readers to their own best instincts and inspire them to become better parents.


About the Author: Alfie Kohn

Alfie Kohn writes Moving from PDF/EPUB ¼ and speaks widely on human behavior, education, and parenting The author of eleven books and scores of articles, he lectures at education conferences and universities as well as to parent groups and corporationsKohn s criticisms of competition and rewards have been widely discussed and debated, and he has been described in Time magazine as perhaps the country s most outspoken critic of education s fixation Unconditional Parenting: ePUB Ò on grades and test scores Kohn lives actually in the Boston area with his wife and two children, and virtually at alfiekohn.