The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: A 25 Year Landmark Study

The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: A 25 Year Landmark Study


10 thoughts on “The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: A 25 Year Landmark Study

  1. Katie Katie says:

    This is a fantastic book, and I highly recommend it to everyone, even if you don t think it could possibly have anything to do with your life The fact is, divorce is such an overwhelmingly prevalent part of our society now, and our culture, and a lot of us are working with some serious misconceptions about just what its full implications are, especially for children People who grew up with divorced parents will find this book both validating and troubling People who work with divorced familie This is a fantastic book, and I highly recommend it to everyone, even if you don t think it could possibly have anything to do with your life The fact is, divorce is such an overwhelmingly prevalent part of our society now, and our culture, and a lot of us are working with some serious misconceptions about just what its full implications are, especially for children People who grew up with divorced parents will find this book both validating and troubling People who work with divorced families as a teacher, therapist, or lawyer for instance will gain valuable insights Most of all, if you are the parent of a child and you are divorced or are considering getting a divorce, you need to read this book It will be a hard read, as Wallerstein s study revealed some upsetting truths, and she pulls no punches in her presentation of the facts, but it s something you need to know, and owe it to your child to learn.The biggest myth about divorce is what Wallerstein refers to as the idea of trickle down happiness Like trickle down economics, it looks great on paper logical, neat, good for everybody involved but doesn t work out quite as smoothly in real life When I was going through a very rough patch in my own life a few years back, and considering leaving my marriage which in hindsight was obviously a very poor band aid solution that would have done nothing to help and much to harm many people, trying to be helpful and empowering, said to me, you need to pursue your happiness and your bliss, even if that means splitting up the family, becauseyou owe it to your daughter If you are happy, she will be happyThis sounds logical enough, but as Wallerstein demonstrates for us over and over again, it s just not true It s a big fat lie we tell ourselves as adults to feel better about the extent to which we are failing our children by attending first and foremost to our own desires, selfish pursuits, and agendas Happiness does not trickle down and while a child may take some emotional cues from her mother or father, she s not going to magically feel just as happy as they do even if they are turning her world upside down and betraying her need to feel absolute security.Intuitively I knew that people were selling me a load of you know what, back in that troubled moment, but reading Wallerstein s book sealed it for me, with facts, data, and interviews I wish someone had sat me down and spelled out for me what she does in this book, it would have snapped me out of the funk a lot faster than all the enabling clap trap Anyone who is thinking about whether they should leave or stay together for the kids, or who believes that it s better to have divorced and happy parents than married and discontent ones needs to read this book and see how muchcomplicated and distressing the truth is A sobering read for anyone who cares about kids, families, and society


  2. Reb Reb says:

    basically it goes like this people had a theory that divorce wasn t so bad for the kids.apparently it s pretty bad for the kids.so much so that, psychologically in later years, people are still dealing with their feelings.these feelings come in systematic packages.to wit difficulty having faith in the endurance of relationships.i confirm all the above, but unfortunately the substance of this book is about enough to fill a NYT mag article so many nonfiction books are like that read the firs basically it goes like this people had a theory that divorce wasn t so bad for the kids.apparently it s pretty bad for the kids.so much so that, psychologically in later years, people are still dealing with their feelings.these feelings come in systematic packages.to wit difficulty having faith in the endurance of relationships.i confirm all the above, but unfortunately the substance of this book is about enough to fill a NYT mag article so many nonfiction books are like that read the first 50 100 pages if you re a child of divorce, and skip all the rest Wallerstein gets into some heavy sexism later on moms nurture, dads roughhouse and thems the way it should be.but if you ARE a c.o.d., recommended, if only for the confirmation that there are systematic differences between us and children of intact marriages, both good and bad we reresilient and harder working and we re likely to do drugs and sleep around


  3. Inder Inder says:

    This is an extremely interesting, sometimes harrowing, book about the issues that children of divorce commonly face Seeing some of my own angst so clearly described on the page was scary at times, but also eye opening I m still a little freaked out, but I ve been recommending this to everyone I know whose parents are divorced Maybe we can make our own children s lives a little better.


  4. Sara Sara says:

    Read this book If you re divorced, read it If you re thinking about getting divorced, read it If you re the child of divorced parents, read it If you re married to a child of divorced parents like I am, read it Honestly, if there s one issue that looms like an 800 lb gorilla in our culture today, it s the way marriage and family has fallen apart, been shifted, reassembled and redefined The ramifications of the social upheaval of the family absolutely underlie everything I honestly belie Read this book If you re divorced, read it If you re thinking about getting divorced, read it If you re the child of divorced parents, read it If you re married to a child of divorced parents like I am, read it Honestly, if there s one issue that looms like an 800 lb gorilla in our culture today, it s the way marriage and family has fallen apart, been shifted, reassembled and redefined The ramifications of the social upheaval of the family absolutely underlie everything I honestly believe everyone should read this because somehow, in some way, divorce has touched your life, even if it wasn t your own or you re not a child of divorce I picked up this book because I wanted to understand the journey my husband has been through in his life I am the product of an extremely happy, intact marriage that is still literally sending out waves of love today I am totally blessed But coming from this position of privilege, it has been extremely hard for me to understand what my husband s childhood was like and how the divorce experience still affects the way he experiences and processes life to this very day This book helped take me there and begin to understand parts of his experience from the moment his parent s marriage ended to intervals of 5, 10, 15 and 25 years post divorce It s an enlightening, heartbreaking, enraging read and I think it firmly upends the notion that the kids will be okay after the divorce Some will, manywill not and all will have some sort of psychic scars that appear to last a lifetime guess we ll have to see if this study gets extended to 35, 45 and 55 yr intervals I think the researcher and her team did an excellent job presenting the material fairly, acknowledging that sometimes divorce is inevitable, but still showing that many of the platitudes and beliefs we, as a society, hold about divorce are just not true Overwhelmingly, the evidence shows that children of divorce are major collateral damage and so often, their thoughts, feelings, concerns, opinions and so forth are not on the table for discussion Even when the splitting couple seems to be advocating for the child s best interests, the long term developmental needs of their children aren t factored into the equation For example, the visitation arrangement for a parent and 5 year old should evolve to the needs of the child over time, not a one size fits all arrangement that is expected to equally fit the needs of a 15 year old While the researchers did not use a control group per se, they did use a comparison group for the 25 year check in with their original subjects This I found fascinating too, especially when viewed through the experiences of children who came from a marriage that wasn t happy and could have resulted in divorce but didn t Want to knowabout that Read the book Slight spoiler these kids fared better than their peers who lived through a divorce I took out this book from the library but in retrospect, I wish I owned it I took notes throughout and would have loved to highlight insights that not only gave me compassion for my husband s experience, but have opened my eyes to the reality that so many children of divorce whether they are still children or they are now adults live with on a daily basis Can t say enough good about this one a highly recommended read


  5. Kasey Kasey says:

    A really interesting and important read It was a little long for my taste, but I think that the points it makes about divorce are so important for our society to consider You don t just get over divorce Kids continue to deal with the ramifications for the rest of their lives, so be prepared to be patient and loving even long after the marriage has ended.


  6. Susan Susan says:

    Four and a half stars I borrowed this from my sister in law and am going to have to buy her a new copy, I ve thumbed it so well these past two months I took a college writing course my senior year of high school and the concluding project was a 25 page term paper I chose the topic of how divorce affected children My parents had divorced some years previously and at that time I knew very few people who were divorced I had to dig much harder than I thought I would to find enough source materi Four and a half stars I borrowed this from my sister in law and am going to have to buy her a new copy, I ve thumbed it so well these past two months I took a college writing course my senior year of high school and the concluding project was a 25 page term paper I chose the topic of how divorce affected children My parents had divorced some years previously and at that time I knew very few people who were divorced I had to dig much harder than I thought I would to find enough source materials for the paper I knew from personal experience how divorce could affect children and I got an A on the paper but tracking down data to support my experiences was rather challenging Well, the times have changed and I doubt there s a kid out there unfamiliar with divorce these days Whether you are divorced, thinking about divorce, a child of divorce or an educator or social worker or a part of the court system I highly recommend reading this book First published in 2000 it is not a new work but it s premise was what caught my eye a 25 year study that followed up not only on the children of divorce but their peers, from their neighborhoods, whose parents did not divorce, whether they were happily married or not What differences would they find between these peer groups from the same basic socio economic background over the course of 25 years Some were rather predictable but some not so much.One of my most valuable take aways was that she points out that there is a third party in many divorces, the children, and that as a society, outside of setting up visitation and some child support, not one has really considered the needs of the children over time That as a society we have bought into the myth that if the parents are happier following divorce then that happiness will simply trickle down to the children But it doesn t Not to spread blame and guilt, I imagine sometimes it does work out this way but once the divorce is final the kids are expected to just be happy with what they get, whether or not it meets their needs and wishes several years down the road as they change and mature Or don t Many of the outcomes I could have predicted but some took me by surprise, such as the data indicating that children of divorce or less vested in supporting their aging parents Apparently having failed to support their children this is a sort of turn about is fair play, what goes around comes around type behavior This has huge implications for the future with an aging population And there s lots of food for thought in this book And we d better start thinking and chewing it over because 15 years down the road from the publication of this book I don t see any improvements on the horizon


  7. Rachel Rachel says:

    This book was very interesting and insightful The author followed families that had divorced for 25 years and compared them against a group of families in similar situations but didn t divorce The effect of divorce on young children right through the effect on their development into adulthood was reported This book should be required reading for any parent thinking about divorce The author is very balanced but realistic about the effects She also gives advice for how to handle telling your This book was very interesting and insightful The author followed families that had divorced for 25 years and compared them against a group of families in similar situations but didn t divorce The effect of divorce on young children right through the effect on their development into adulthood was reported This book should be required reading for any parent thinking about divorce The author is very balanced but realistic about the effects She also gives advice for how to handle telling your children about a divorce and how to make the transition as smooth as possible for them One of the insights that affected me was when the author stated that the myth that because divorce is so prevalent it is somehow easier on kids now She pointed out children go through single file If a widow was told that it s not as big of a deal to lose her husband because five other women in her block are widows it wouldn t ease her suffering any Great flowing style with lots of anecdotal stories to illustrate her points


  8. Rachel Rachel says:

    Recommended to me by a grown child of divorce as a key to understanding so many of his own hang ups and difficulties in starting a family of his own, I couldn t help but find this an important read Wallerstein advocates beautifully for the children of divorce whose rights, needs, and wishes are set aside by angry, distracted and or overburdened parents and the bureaucracy of the courts She makes a good case that children do not recover easily from their breaking up from their family and can ta Recommended to me by a grown child of divorce as a key to understanding so many of his own hang ups and difficulties in starting a family of his own, I couldn t help but find this an important read Wallerstein advocates beautifully for the children of divorce whose rights, needs, and wishes are set aside by angry, distracted and or overburdened parents and the bureaucracy of the courts She makes a good case that children do not recover easily from their breaking up from their family and can take years into adulthood to overcome the fears, resentment and insecurities, if it ever does That said, she includes hopeful stories of individuals who choose to fight for happiness in later life and succeed so it s not all doom and gloom Sometimes it felt like the Wallerstien s interpretations were slightly dramatic, and sometimes even conflicting but other times seemed dead on It was definitely worth my time to read since none of us seem to not be directly or indirectly effected by divorce


  9. James James says:

    This book was informative, to be sure If nothing else, it alerted me to the ways that divorce affects children which, of course, should be of paramount concern when one considers whether or not to divorce a spouse However, this book is, specifically, about the effects of divorce on children, not the effects upon the divorcing parents It is not a book about whether the decision to divorce is a right or wrong one and the author makes no attempt to offer an opinion about the importance of a divo This book was informative, to be sure If nothing else, it alerted me to the ways that divorce affects children which, of course, should be of paramount concern when one considers whether or not to divorce a spouse However, this book is, specifically, about the effects of divorce on children, not the effects upon the divorcing parents It is not a book about whether the decision to divorce is a right or wrong one and the author makes no attempt to offer an opinion about the importance of a divorcing parent s own needs in the period leading up to a decision to divorce That is to say that, as a reader, I wonder if the author feels that the level of unhappiness in a relationship can reach a point that divorce is, in fact, appropriate When does the unexpected legacy of divorce become the necessary price of harmony and the chance at awell balanced life for all


  10. Becky Becky says:

    Greg recently downloaded this book that my sister in law, Mackenzie, recommended Because it was about the impact of divorce on the kids in the family, I wanted it all to reflect me and my experience There were some things that did like the divorced parent taking center stage instead of the kid being her own center stage in her own life or not getting much financial support for college and some things that didn t like becoming the care taker for a parent or getting lost in sex and drug addic Greg recently downloaded this book that my sister in law, Mackenzie, recommended Because it was about the impact of divorce on the kids in the family, I wanted it all to reflect me and my experience There were some things that did like the divorced parent taking center stage instead of the kid being her own center stage in her own life or not getting much financial support for college and some things that didn t like becoming the care taker for a parent or getting lost in sex and drug addictions Even parents with the best intentions and best communication can t shield their kids from the crappy results of divorce The parents get to move on, but the kids have to deal with the impacts of the split forever This book was depressing, mostly because I ve had to live it in the 24 years since my own parents divorce


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The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: A 25 Year Landmark Study [EPUB] ✼ The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: A 25 Year Landmark Study ✿ Judith S. Wallerstein – Centrumpowypadkowe.co.uk Finally in paperback, the New York Times bestseller that has fundamentally changed the way children of divorce see themselves as adults updated with a new preface by the authorDivorce is at once a wid Finally in paperback, the Legacy of Epub Þ New York Times bestseller that has fundamentally changed the way children of divorce see themselves as adults updated with a new preface by the authorDivorce is at once a widespread reality and a painful decision, so it is no surprise that this landmark study of its long term effects should both spark debate The Unexpected PDF/EPUB or and find a large audienceIn this compelling, thought provoking book, Judith Wallerstein explains that, while children do learn to cope with divorce, it in fact takes its greatest toll in adulthood, when the sons and daughters of divorced parents embark on romantic relationships of their own Wallerstein sensitively illustrates how children of divorce often feel that their relationships Unexpected Legacy of PDF/EPUB Ã are doomed, seek to avoid conflict, and fear commitment Failure in their loving relationships often seems to them preordained, even when things are going smoothly As Wallerstein checks in on the adults she first encountered as youngsters than twenty five years ago, she finds that their experiences mesh with those of the millions of other children of divorce, who will find themselves on every pageWith than , copies in print, The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce spent three weeks on the New York Times, San Francisco Chronicle, and Denver Post bestseller lists The book was also featured on two episodes of Oprah as well as on the front cover of Time and the New York Times Book Review.

    The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: A 25 Year Landmark Study who will find themselves on every pageWith than , copies in print, The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce spent three weeks on the New York Times, San Francisco Chronicle, and Denver Post bestseller lists The book was also featured on two episodes of Oprah as well as on the front cover of Time and the New York Times Book Review."/>
  • Paperback
  • 351 pages
  • The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: A 25 Year Landmark Study
  • Judith S. Wallerstein
  • English
  • 12 January 2018
  • 0786886161

About the Author: Judith S. Wallerstein

Is a well known Legacy of Epub Þ author, some of his books are a fascination for readers like in the The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: A Year Landmark Study book, this is one of the most wanted Judith S Wallerstein author readers around the world.