Who's Been Sleeping in Your Head?: The Secret World of

Who's Been Sleeping in Your Head?: The Secret World of


Who's Been Sleeping in Your Head?: The Secret World of Sexual Fantasy ➶ [Read] ➲ Who's Been Sleeping in Your Head?: The Secret World of Sexual Fantasy By Brett Kahr ➾ – Centrumpowypadkowe.co.uk Based on the largest ever survey of sexual fantasies, and drawing on the author s twenty five years of clinical practice, this anatomy of secret desire does for sexual fantasy what Kinsey did for sexu Based on the largest ever survey Sleeping in Kindle × of sexual fantasies, and Who's Been eBook ç drawing on the author s twenty five years of clinical practice, Been Sleeping in PDF/EPUB ç this anatomy of secret desire does for sexual fantasy what Kinsey did for sexual behavior However, unlike Kinsey s books, which were almost unreadably dense and data driven, Who s Been Sleeping in Your Headfeatures narrative accounts of sexual fantasies and the author s own insightful interpretations of how those fantasies affect our lives Kahr reveals the astonishing truth behind secrecy, shame and taboo, and demonstrates how sex fantasies exert a powerful influence on our emotions, behavior, and relationships than we ever imagined Kahr s insights are liberating He tells us the story of Margaret, who, in mining early sexual abuse for arousing and satisfying sexual fantasies succeeded brilliantly in turning a childhood trauma into an adult triumph He explains how he helped a young man who couldn t get turned on by his beautiful girlfriend but only by dominatrix themed porn, and how numerous men and women used fantasy to become intimate with their partners or to be unfaithful or even cruel to them instead Ultimately, by unmasking the myths and destroying the guilt and ignorance surrounding sexual fantasy, Kahr offers readers a chance to lead richer and less conflicted lives.


10 thoughts on “Who's Been Sleeping in Your Head?: The Secret World of Sexual Fantasy

  1. Erika Erika says:

    My review that ran on March 8, 2008 in the Los Angeles Times There s something about reading almost five hundred pages of sexual fantasy that throws the doors of perception a little off their hinges Just knowing that 90% of humanity is out there screening some kind of porn film in their heads, makes, say, the lunch crowd at Fudrucker sinteresting to observe Does that waitress serving chili fries dream of being wrapped in cellophane and spanked Does the bus boy want to be licked by Kean My review that ran on March 8, 2008 in the Los Angeles Times There s something about reading almost five hundred pages of sexual fantasy that throws the doors of perception a little off their hinges Just knowing that 90% of humanity is out there screening some kind of porn film in their heads, makes, say, the lunch crowd at Fudrucker sinteresting to observe Does that waitress serving chili fries dream of being wrapped in cellophane and spanked Does the bus boy want to be licked by Keanu Reeves Does that businessman chipmunking on his Blackberry dream of being cavity searched by terrorists At least, that s how it seems after reading Brett Kahr s Who s Been Sleeping in Your Head The Secret World of Sexual Fantasies Kahr, a Freudian psychotherapist with over twenty years in the field, sensed there was therapeutic gold in the undulating hills of our erotic imaginings Kahr s interest was far from prurient, he suspected fantasies don t exist for purely recreational purposes, that they are in fact psychological fingerprints that can help us unravel the mystery of our deepest, darkest selves Our sexual fantasies remain, by and large, an unprocessed, unsynthesized area of the mind, crying out for explanation P 61 Inspired by the psychological insights of Sigmund Freud, the large scale methodological rigor of Alfred Kinsey, and by the brave public dissemination of Nancy Friday, I decided that I would attempt my own research, a Kinsey of the mind, so that I could begin to answer some basic questions, Kahr asserts Chief among those questions was, Do our fantasies represent just a bit of private fun, or do they haveprofound implications for how we lead our lives Thus he began The British Sexual Fantasy Research Project, culling statistical data from a combined group of 20,153 British and American adults p 67 and conducting exhaustive, five hour interviews with several hundred subjects This monumental undertaking offers for the first time, an anecdotal adjunct to the bigger game of sexual activity itself Kahr makes it clear that to ignore sexual fantasy is to miss a large piece of the puzzle in human psychology The discrete, methodical and clearly sensitive Kahr approached his interviews less like a Sherlock Holmes andof a Dr Watson, asking questions, listening with his third ear the one that hears not only what the subject is saying, but what he isn t saying and being careful not to jump to conclusions The book provides a nice insight into the point of view of the therapist We must approach each fantasy rather like a giant jigsaw puzzle or mystery story At the end of the analysis, every piece must fit in order that we may gain a clear picture of the contents of the mind of the fantasist P 338 Sure enough, Kahr discovers that sexual fantasies have developed as both a means of gratifying wishes and of conquering intrusive memories of early traumatic experiences In other words, we use fantasy to turn that which haunts us into something we have psychic mastery over, or as Kahr calls it, equilibration of the self This is all very interesting and highly worthwhile, but for the, er, layperson, the best parts of this book are the dirty parts Kahr has done a great job of culling and organizing his respondents fantasies, and they are repeated verbatim, often to unintentional comedic effect Grouped into categories like Bisexual Fantasies, or Fantasies of Celebrities the narratives flow with blunt, artless logic Some fantasies are related in coy shorthand, and others are elaborate, describing antics in language that would make Susie Bright blush Kahr warns us, On first reading, many people become either sexually aroused by the private fantasies of others or embarrassed by them Indeed, the erotic reveries are arousing, embarrassing, shocking, boring and most surprisingly, hilarious There s the woman who wants to be squeezed between Serena Williams thighs, and the guy who fantasizes about watching an episode of Lost with a girl, then duct taping her to a counter so he can change her views forever about how many orgasms are acceptable in an evening s encounter Senior citizen, Isadora has been fantasizing about Gregory Peck for decades Gregory is the mainstay of my fantasy Yummy I think he is dead now p.146 Then there s Berger who thinks Seth Green and Topher Grace would be one hot man on man action Sancho fantasizes about a week in Vegas with a harem of chorus girls All of the showgirls are tall and beautiful and their job is to be nice to me all week laugh at my jokes, tell me what a great guy I am, massage my neck, dance with me at nightclubs, etc and of course, have sex with me and with each other like crazed weasels in every possible position in the Kama Sutra Many of the choicest fantasies are so laden with coprolalia dirty talk , they cannot be reprinted here, but they amply illustrate the full, quirky spectrum of human sexuality, which appears also to include a large subset of people who are turned on by Margaret Thatcher Of course, there s a dark side to all this The book has many accounts of people who are so damaged that their fantasy lives drip either with cruel sadism, or heart wrenching masochism Most of these erotic reveries are what Kahr calls the ordinary sadism of everyday life, and for the most part these people are harmless But Kahr encountered enough disturbing material to ask himself should these individuals be tolerated, or should they be treated He admits, honestly, to not having a clear answer, though he is sure that his interviews were not the appropriate context for real therapeutic intervention.But for most of us, sexual fantasy is a pretty healthy indulgence, allowing us to find an outlet for desire, and turn past trauma into a source of pleasure, rather than pain There is a prescriptive element to Who s Been Sleeping in Your Head Fantasy research can be used in a diagnostic predictive manner, to protect society from dangerous sexual predators Another practical application Kahr suggests is using fantasy data to match up potential partners through dating services As Kahr points out, Such factors may prove to be muchpertinent to compatibility than whether one enjoys films, eating out, and country walks Now there s something to fantasize about


  2. Terence Terence says:

    This review has been hidden because it contains spoilers To view it, click here I ve marked this as containing spoilers largely because this is an open site and the subject matter may offend some Who s Been Sleeping in Your Head is a bit of a departure for me Most of my nonfiction reading tends toward the historical or the hard sciences astronomy, evolutionary biology, etc but one of my GoodReads friends marked this as a to read, I read the publisher s blurb and a few of the reviews, and it looked intriguing Fortunately, one of my libraries possessed a copy and I ve marked this as containing spoilers largely because this is an open site and the subject matter may offend some Who s Been Sleeping in Your Head is a bit of a departure for me Most of my nonfiction reading tends toward the historical or the hard sciences astronomy, evolutionary biology, etc but one of my GoodReads friends marked this as a to read, I read the publisher s blurb and a few of the reviews, and it looked intriguing Fortunately, one of my libraries possessed a copy and the inevitable ensued I obtained and read it.Brett Kahr is a Freudian psychoanalyst who s realized that there is a dearth of studies of what constitutes sexual fantasies what s normal if that can be measured and what s perverse also a slippery concept and how those fantasies might affect people in their lives.Being a Freudian, Kahr believes that most, if not all, of our fantasies arise from childhood traumas Trauma here does not necessarily mean something horrible like being raped by your father when you re 10 years old or having a group of boys sodomize you in the public restroom when you re 13 It can mean relatively unfortunate events or circumstances in an otherwise good childhood Circumstances like an emotionally distant father or an overbearing mother or as in the case of one woman the loss of an older brother in a car accident Kahr argues that trauma functions as a key ingredient in the genesis of adult sexual fantasies p 393 and that these fantasies help master trauma through eroticization, rendering the terrifying and unprocessable into something sexy and manageable p 383 A perverse fantasy is one that eroticizes hatred p 418 and that requires sustained perpetration of sadism toward oneself or one s love object and becomes so all engrossing it prevents one from forging intimate relationships p 420 There are a number of conclusions he arrives at if some are only tentative 1 What is a sexual fantasy An image, thought, drama, usually thought about during sex coital or masturbatory and that results in orgasm This makes it a different phenomenon than the sexual dream 2 What is a normal fantasy There is no normative fantasy People who appear quite normal might have some of the most sadistic, misogynistic, bestial fantasies but as long as they avoid the two criteria for perversion I mention above, they re noabnormal than fantasizing about making love to one s partner that never departs from the missionary position.3 Why fantasize Kahr doesn t really know From an evolutionary point of view it may help arousal and, hence, propagation In terms of human psychology, it eroticizes and makes harmless traumas in our lives.4 Does everyone have fantasies Despite some negative responses in Kahr s survey, he feels that everyone has a fantasy of some sort even if they don t recognize it as such.5 Should we share fantasies act them out with our partners Maybe He recounts cases where exposing and or acting out a fantasy did wonders for a relationship alas, sometimes they torpedoed a relationship.6 Are fantasies dangerous Sometimes See above about what a perverse fantasy is Actually, in relation to this subject, Kahr gets into some potentially scary Big Brother stuff where he envisions mental health experts tagging potential rapists, pedophiles, etc based on their sexual fantasies sort of a Minority Report world without the ESP.7 If we don t fantasize about our partner is that a bad sign Maybe maybe not Since a fantasy is a defense mechanism from past trauma, the absence of one s current partner is not unusual.8 If we fantasize about something illegal i.e., rape, pedophilia, incest, murder, etc will we eventually act it out Probably not Most the overwhelming majority even if their fantasies involve raping the cheerleading squad or murdering their partner don t go through with it As Kahr wants to emphasize, even the most vile fantasy is a defense mechanism against some childhood trauma Now, fantasizing about gang rapes or murder probably indicates a fairly serious trauma and the person should seek some form of therapy and it may make a person s intimate relationships ultimately unsatisfying but it doesn t mean we have a future Ted Bundy on our hands.9 Can we control our fantasies Always a good Freudian, Kahr doesn t believe so At least not to any great extent.One of the best aspects of this work is that Kahr doesn t try to create an all encompassing theory of sexual fantasy He tries to identify some broad generalizations but doesn t apply them to explain fantasy.Though I don t have the background to assess just how valid psychoanalysis is or what competing theories may be out there, I found this book fascinating and interesting


  3. Kira Fisher Kira Fisher says:

    I didn t love his conclusions about sexual fantasies, specifically that they stem from serious emotional trauma in our childhoods I can accept that some do, and I accept that our sexualities are obviously shaped by a wide array of events during our young lives I totally accept that creating difficult fantasies can be used to help the mind cope with serious trauma But the way he problematizes it, and makes it seem like having fantasies always hints at mental troublesI don t know I just wis I didn t love his conclusions about sexual fantasies, specifically that they stem from serious emotional trauma in our childhoods I can accept that some do, and I accept that our sexualities are obviously shaped by a wide array of events during our young lives I totally accept that creating difficult fantasies can be used to help the mind cope with serious trauma But the way he problematizes it, and makes it seem like having fantasies always hints at mental troublesI don t know I just wish he was a bitloosey goosey He makes it seem like having fantasies of being dominated is extreme, and I wish he would take aliberal stance on things Sexuality is already such a fraught topic The last thing we need is a doctor giving usreasons to be concerned about our own


  4. Jafar Jafar says:

    Kahar starts the book by repeating over and over again that we have sexual fantasies of the sorts that we re often ashamed afraid to share with others as if this were some new discovery Reading other people s sexual fantasies gets boring very quickly And what Kahr offers in terms of analysis is not just shallow but often wrongheaded I should have known, given that Kahr is a psychoanalyst Everything is the results of repressed childhood memories and other usual psychoanalytical concoctions Kahar starts the book by repeating over and over again that we have sexual fantasies of the sorts that we re often ashamed afraid to share with others as if this were some new discovery Reading other people s sexual fantasies gets boring very quickly And what Kahr offers in terms of analysis is not just shallow but often wrongheaded I should have known, given that Kahr is a psychoanalyst Everything is the results of repressed childhood memories and other usual psychoanalytical concoctions My personal favorite is castration anxiety


  5. Darsied Darsied says:

    To be fair, I read about 20 pages and then decided to find something else on sexual fantasy His style of writing and overall voice tone made me feel like I was reading something from the 1840s, not the 21st century.


  6. Simone Simone says:

    This book was not what I was expecting I wanted thought it would be a booklike The Other Side of Desire Four Journeys into the Far Realms of Lust and Longing which by the way, is awesome but this book was really far from that one in almost every respect Although ostensibly this book is about understanding sexual fantasy, I m not sure the author accomplished that goal Two main issues First, I didn t realize that the author is such a hardcore Freudian John and I were recently chatti This book was not what I was expecting I wanted thought it would be a booklike The Other Side of Desire Four Journeys into the Far Realms of Lust and Longing which by the way, is awesome but this book was really far from that one in almost every respect Although ostensibly this book is about understanding sexual fantasy, I m not sure the author accomplished that goal Two main issues First, I didn t realize that the author is such a hardcore Freudian John and I were recently chatting about Freudian psychotherapy and we joked that we should write a book propose a conference panel called, Psychotherapy Why Are We Still At It To be fair, I haven t studied much Freud, but I feel it was an interesting model when proposed but that it s sort of outlived its usefulness The people who truly believe everything can be understood with regard to Freud You scare me, and I want nothing to do with you Second, most of the chapters just seemed to consist of long descriptions of people s fantasies These were supposed to be people s deepest darkest desires many of which by the way, were relatively tame and boring and while interesting from a research perspective they are sort of tiring to read though in long lists He would usually pick one or two to talk aboutat length, and then group them into broader categories If I turned in a paper written like this my professor would accuse me of trying to pad my text to meet a page requirement, and the professor would probably be correct Also, all he seems to prove is that people have fantasies and occasionally they are a little odd This should be a fairly obvious conclusion to anyone with a computer and an internet connection, as there are porn and fetish sites for literally everything And they wouldn t be making it if someone wasn t buying it Additionally I found most of the analysis not that interesting and occasionally offensive See Issue One But every time it turns out a hand picked fantasy can be traced to some innocuous or not innocuous childhood memory, lI was shouting, We get it I also don t think it s true, it might be true for some people, but i ve read listened to enough Dan Savage to realize people are into a variety of things and sometimes it s linked to experiences the common one referenced is being spanked as a kid versus not being spanked and there s no causation To the author of this book I wish to remind him, correlation does not equal causation And then there were things like this people with any thoughts even vaguely SM are perverse and people having fantasies about sex withthan one person may be an attempt to repair ones narcissistic injuries by possessingthanlove simultaneously Sure, that s one explanation, but I can think of several others Shrug Not for me Go read The Other Side of Desire


  7. Grayson Grayson says:

    I was hoping forpsychology and fewer descriptions of people s fantasies It readslike porn by way of science than why people have the fantasies they do and how the subconscious processes desires I mean, there s some of that in the beginning, but then it s just fantasy descriptions.Also, Kahr is a Freudian, and I am not into Freud at all The guy s been thoroughly debunked, except for a couple of ideas And seeing someone in modern times who actually falls for all the old ideas a I was hoping forpsychology and fewer descriptions of people s fantasies It readslike porn by way of science than why people have the fantasies they do and how the subconscious processes desires I mean, there s some of that in the beginning, but then it s just fantasy descriptions.Also, Kahr is a Freudian, and I am not into Freud at all The guy s been thoroughly debunked, except for a couple of ideas And seeing someone in modern times who actually falls for all the old ideas annoys the hell out of me Oh well, another one for the discard pile


  8. Erin Erin says:

    Perhaps the worst book ever written by a seriously repressed Freudian How this is called non fiction, I have no idea This book was not set aside lightly It was thrown with great force.


  9. Peter Neiger Peter Neiger says:

    As is often the case on road trips and long flights I was able to get some good reading and writing done maybe I need to find a way to do thisAnyway, I finished reading Who s Been Sleeping in Your Head by Brett Kahr This 400 page book is the culmination of a multi year study conducted primarily in the UK though there are some US participants about people s sexual fantasies These fantasies are what goes through a person s head during masturbation and sex with a partner The researc As is often the case on road trips and long flights I was able to get some good reading and writing done maybe I need to find a way to do thisAnyway, I finished reading Who s Been Sleeping in Your Head by Brett Kahr This 400 page book is the culmination of a multi year study conducted primarily in the UK though there are some US participants about people s sexual fantasies These fantasies are what goes through a person s head during masturbation and sex with a partner The research was conducted through online surveys completed by over 23,000 people and 122 intensive face to face interviews with volunteers It appears to be the most comprehensive attempt to catalog and interpret human sexual fantasies that anyone has ever done.While I found the intentions of the study and premise of the book fascinating my feelings towards the book are bitter sweet As a Freudian psychotherapist Kahr spent much of his time focusing, analyzing, and, in my opinion, unjustifiably fishing or hoping for childhood trauma to explain sexual fantasies that people had He mentions alternative approaches like evolutionary psychology only twice and only in passing I understand that he is a Freudian but if his attempt was to objectively or comprehensively attempt to look into sexual fantasies and their foundation if one exists he should have brought in some alternative view points To him humans seem to be born as a blank slate with no genetic predispositions or tendencies in place from evolution.Kahr often at times come off as a bit judgemental and sex negative, and even a bit LGBTphobic He focuses several times on homosexuality possibly being linked to childhood trauma and child rearing but little acknowledgement of a biological aspect He also seems to see all cross dressers as transvestites It also seemed like a negative judgement when he penned the term intra marital affair to describe thinking about someone other than your spouse, as if thinking of another is a form of cheating Some may agree that fantasies are cheating but if they really are based in trauma or evolution it is cheating we have little to no control over not everyone does and I think it weakens the betrayal of true affairs if we attach that phrase to a passing thought during masturbation.Clearly, I have some problems with Kahr s approach, but I want to give him some benefit of the doubt, it is possible that there is a generational gap and cultural one between he and I He is British and a bit older than I, while Americans and our friends across the pond are similar in many ways I can t help but wonder if the stereotypes about prudish non sexual Brits might have some truth to it It has also been almost a decade since this project started and a lot has changed in sexual research and views on fantasies in the last 10 years, particularly with the exponential growth of internet access and the pornography that comes with it.There were also some wonderful things within the book though, and I actually very highly recommend it Kahr s analysis later in the book provides a lot of great information and provides some support to his hypothesis in some of the cases There clearly can be a trauma at the foundation of sexual fantasies, and many of these trauma fantasies are causing great distress and harm to the individuals In cases where people can t live the lives they want or have the relationships they desire it is a problem, such as the case of Julius who has only been able to masturbate to mental images of a girl who tormented him in his adolescence and he has not had a long term relationship in nearly 50 years.I would have loved to seeresearch and questions about the ramifications of opening up about your fantasies to your significant others Kahr mentions a few in one chapter but for the most part glosses over any potential benefits and instead focuses on trauma and harm In my experience being open and honest with your partner about desires and what goes on in your head can have a bonding effect and open the door for new real life experiences If we decide to enter into a partnership something as intimate and important as sex should not be a taboo subject Much of the negative aspects seem to come from our social stigmas against sexuality as much as childhood events As a culture if we can admit that sex is a healthy and enjoyable part of the human experience we can reduce the pain, suffering, and shame that seems to accompany so many fantasies.Kahr does admit that this is just a beginning, and like a good scientist he hopes others will dive into the data, conduct their own studies, and come up with alternative hypothesis I would love to see a larger sample size of humans fromdiverse backgrounds What is true for Brits and in this case a few Americans may not be true for Australians, Italians, Russians, Kenyans, Colombians, Thai, Egyptians, etc Theinformation the better and it looks like this is a field ripe for research and exploration.I definitely recommend this book for many different people If you just have an interest in sexuality there is a lot to love about this book, as well if you are interested in seeing how a Freudian interprets things, though I would recommend skipping or skimming Section II if you get bored with it You can only read poorly written erotica for pages and pages for so long before it becomes a blur It is also a good resource for people who have anxiety about what goes on in their own heads It will become quickly clear that normal fantasies don t exist, and because of that there is really nothing that is weird or abnormal Some people don t fantasize at all, some think only about their spouse, some focuson feelings while others have elaborate situations they play in their head, some people think of college professors, siblings, strangers, movie stars, and inanimate objects Some people like to be raped, piss on people while they are shitting, or change genders Some like to be whipped while others like to be bought a nice romantic dinner followed by a massage and some cunnilingus The limits to human sexual fantasies are only restricted by the combined imagination of billions of people


  10. MrsEnginerd MrsEnginerd says:

    If you are looking for a good exploration of sexual fantasies and their possible interpretations, this case study book is for you The author takes a thorough look at his research to enlighten us about the subject matter I got this copy from my local library s book sale and it was worth the 400 pages Keep an open mind when reading it and you can find some benefit without needing to talk to a professional.


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